How Kehlani's New Album Addresses the Complexities of Memory and Reminds You that Your Ex Ain't Shit

 

   During this time of quarantine, there are a surplus of things that are being put on hold. One of those things was supposed to be Kehlani’s new album, It Was Good Until It Wasn’t. Kehlani expressed on her social media that while her team pushed to have the release date changed, she did not want anything to keep the narrative of her album from being heard, or make her fans wait to hear an album that she is evidently very proud of. It is because of her push to keep the release date that Kehlani was forced to take matters, such as promotion of the album and creating music videos for said album, into her own hands. She has released four self-directed music videos, all labeled the “Quarantine Style” of each song.  This made me think of how the narrative of a memory is affected by the present it is being remembered or presented in. Memory does not only live in the past, memories that arise and how they are remembered are greatly affected by the needs, wants, and perceptions of the moment they are being remembered in. They often tell the story the person wants to hear in that moment, whether it be for comfort or confirmation of a thought. Kehlani’s intended theme for the album speaks to this trickiness of memory and the “what if?” way of thinking. When commenting on the album work, Kehlani

voiced how the images proposed how, “we come into the question of is the grass really greener on the other side? Good things are good... until they aren’t. Then, were they ever really good?” (Alston). It Was Good Until It Wasn’t tackles how memory can be hazy and distorted by current needs, but it also speaks on how looking back with the different mind set of the present can provide clarity. The clarity in this situation being, the very relationship and intimacy you once craved, and now realize was no good for you, was not only bad for you because of the obviously bad times, but also how the positive moments served as pull backs into the toxic cycle. It is true that her album was meant to come out in a time that looked far different than how it does now, but her collection of memories, and the message she has always intended, seem to really speak to the way many others might be reflecting on their past relationships during this time.

            Many publications, such as The Atlantic and Refinery 29, have released articles speaking on a topic some of us might be struggling with right now, texting your ex. As boredom and loneliness set in, a craving for affection, literally any affection, creeps in. In a time that it would be pretty difficult to meet someone new to feed these cravings, it is easy to go to the default of a previous relationship. It was most likely the last time one felt deep affection being given to them, and it is the need for this affection that feeds the cloudiness that is required of the brain in order to crave the person that was cut out of one’s life for a reason. The need of the current situation overshadows the previous need of distance between the ex and oneself. It is only in this clouded situation that one can forget, or momentarily push back, the hurtful fragments of these memories and only let the fragments of pleasure rise through. This concept is addressed in Kehlani’s song “Can You Blame Me” where the singer confesses, she, “[…] would rather argue than sleep alone/ Rather call [them] out than no one call [her] phone/ Hold [her] grudge instead of having none to hold”. In this recalling, Kehlani was willing to put aside the probability of the very feelings that separated her from this person arising, just so she would not be lonely. And this is not the only song on the album that addresses the temporary relief caused by a person once seen as a long-standing problem. The song “F&MU” addresses the cycle of fighting, fucking, and making up, allowing the acknowledgement of the toxic nature of anger towards each other feeding one’s pleasure be forgotten. As long as it feels good, right? Through Kehlani’s honest portrayal of falling into these unhealthy cycles because of temporary wants and pleasures, and looking at them now, learning from them, that she is able to discover, and tell the audience, that though pleasure was mixed into the complicated relationships, they were never good for her. And so, as we listen, shake our asses, and relate to the songs, we must also realize the toxicity of our relationship we see mirrored in these songs. We must remind ourselves that it should be left alone in the past, not resurrected in this moment of vulnerability and loneliness.

            It is through Kehlani’s vulnerable storytelling on this album that we are able to see an example of the complexities of memory. It can help and hinder you. On one side, a need of the present can construct your memory into a different story, one that leaves out details to paint an ideal picture of the past that feeds your temporary pleasure, only to confuse you and possibly bring you into a toxic cycle. On the other side, with enough distance, it can allow you to map out events of your memory of this person, and clearly see that in order for you to have the pleasurable moments, there had to be an ignoring or forgetting of the hurtful ones. Which can cause one to realize that if they had to forget part of the relationship in order to be happy in it, they were most likely not really happy, but being pleasurably tricked. Through this realization, there can then be an acknowledgement: they were not good for you then, so they are not good for you now.

Written by: Ariana Carter